Humans Aren’t the Only Ones

From time to time I will share excerpts from my personal journal because I think our life experiences – all of them – are intended to help us develop to our fullest potential. And just maybe by sharing, it can help another benefit in some way, too.

This particular passage was a time after my husband passed. There is probably no greater life altering experience you will have then the loss of a loved one, this I now know. Although this was truly a ‘life-changing’ event, there was nothing delightful about it. I had to finally grow up and now after some time has gone by, I can see how my life has expanded in some pretty unimaginable ways that I don’t think would’ve been the case, otherwise. And so, this story I share is a point in time and yes, it really did happen …

We have two boys. Combined, they have 8 legs and lots of fur. Yes, they are dogs – kind of. Some days, they act like old, cranky men. They are elderly; 13 & 14 years old so, I look the other way when they’ve done something wrong but in all our years together, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced the kind of bad behavior I’m seeing since my husband has been gone. Clearly, humans are not the only creatures that grieve.

There was an undeniable bond between my husband and these boys – the oldest dogson followed him EVERYWHERE. We would laugh about it because he was such a little shadow – there were no boundaries. The younger of the two is much more independent and a bit of a loose cannon. He bounces between bad ass trouble maker and biggest scaredy pants on the planet. He’s not social AT ALL where the oldest could’ve been the Walmart greeter in another life. As a pack, we were tight but their favorite by a mile was my husband, (this could also be because I was the disciplinarian, much of the time, isn’t every Mom?)

In the days just following my husband’s death, I admittedly didn’t think so much about how these boys would process the loss, other than they’d miss him terribly. After a while, I began to notice signs that my guys needed a little help to cope. It broke my heart when I would come back after one of my rare outings and they’d stand or lay by the door, waiting for my husband to follow me in. Not even treats could lure them away, in the beginning. 

Time helped them realize we were now a 3 pack. They took to sleeping on the bed with me where before, they’d each had sleeping spots somewhere else in the house. I heard you’re not to change your pets routine and to use lots of positive reinforcement, showing as much patience and understanding as possible during this adaption time. Ok, no problem. Neither of these guys was much for cuddles before but now the oldest one can’t get enough while the youngest, not so much as he’s busy perfecting his rebellious side and lately every new day is presenting an opportunity for him to express himself in one defiant way or another.

Let me tell you about the other day …

I had an envelope with a significant amount of money in it, in my purse for deposit the following day. I placed my purse next to my side of the bed and didn’t think about it again. The following morning, I went to get the envelope out of my purse and saw it wasn’t there. I must have already put it by my keys, I thought … no, it wasn’t by my keys. I looked in the other room, nope. As I was coming back through the living room, I saw a mess on the floor in the media room. Crap, I thought, where did he find napkins – I’ve been diligent in keeping that door closed. As I walked up to the shredded bundle on the floor, my eyes zoomed in for clarity and I saw that it was not napkins. It was the envelope. THE SHREDDED ENVELOPE with shredded dollar bills. I’m not talking ones, either. These were fifty’s and hundred dollar bills in that envelope. That tattered mound of paper chaos was not discernable, I only knew it was money because there was green stuff, glopped in amongst the envelope mess. Words cannot describe this discovery moment, adequately. I think my shriek could be heard for miles, which caught the oldest one by surprise because he knew he hadn’t done anything wrong and sent the youngest one running, because he knew he had.  For the next few hours, I frantically worked to put humpty dumpty back together again, praying all the pieces were there and I wouldn’t have to dig through tomorrow’s poop to make things whole.

So, what was the punishment for my little darling? What could I do, we’ve never been spankers but I didn’t trust myself so I put him outside … which he HATES. While I was mending and taping, he was whining and howling pitifully – plainly unaware, (or didn’t care), he’d committed such an atrocious misconduct. Simply showing patience and understanding to a pet in mourning was NOT what I was thinking at that moment.

Before you judge too harshly, I agree, I should’ve known better. But in my defense, the purse was not in a spot he could get to – God knows how he did or, when he did. Every day is a new adventure with this one. What I used to think was ‘spunk’ and ‘character’ has turned into just downright rude behavior … I’m going to have to read up on this, I wonder if they have a book about rude dogs, acting out while they grieve?  I’m sure they do and we’ll get this dialed in. Can you imagine if humans took this course of action (blatantly and boldly misbehaving in off-putting and destructive ways) with their grief? Quite honestly, there are times when I’d like to, just sayin …

Both my boys are now with their Dad. I came across this entry and had a good laugh, remembering the moment quite distinctly and although coming through the grief of these losses taxed my spirit greatly (I actually created another blog to help me work through the layers of sadness that engulfed me), my therapy was and is deeply rooted in cultivating my art and using humor. Not to deflect but as a way to cope. It has been a process, for sure.

“If we could see that everything, even tragedy, is a gift in disguise, we would then find the best way to nourish the soul.” Elizabeth Kubler Ross

​One thing I’ve learned (among many) trenching through my personal losses is that I’m still here for a reason. I have a great deal of living life ahead of me and wish to live it deeply. Now more than ever it is clear to me that we each have a responsibility for how our lives go … from these losses, I have found self-love and forgiveness which are two of the greatest gifts I could ever hope for. This chapter of my life continues to take shape in surprising and delightful ways because I am allowing myself to heal and grow.

At intervals, I will relay more of these intimate realizations that have come to me – some are quite funny and others are profound and very wise lessons I must share! And so, I honor my life, my husbands life and the life we made together … the memories make me smile more than cry now. I choose to look forward to my todays and tomorrows joyfully. And just as I type this, a song begins to play – it was one of ‘our songs’. Thank you, I am reminded of the love connection that continues between us 💜💜💜